Yeah, hard to believe I feel this way considering the constant dirty looks and not so subtle hints that the hors d’oeuvres I bring over are never up to snuff. You know what, Lisa? Fritos are OK and I get a good deal on that Miller Lite. Even if it is expired. Besides, your boyfriend and my main bro invited me over to watch the game and I assumed you wouldn’t even be here.
“Oh, what are you going to do tonight, guys? Eat 2,500 calories and scream at the TV for 3 hours? Maybe watch some big, strong men roll around and grope each other? Awesome..I’ll be in the other room.”
Lisa wasting time bettering herself
Fuck you, Lisa. You make it sound like admiring strength, stamina and speed in other men is strange or even a little gay. Which is total bullshit. You just don’t know. Probably because you went to Mrs. Grundy and Prohibition University, or whatever, and they didn’t have an athletics program. You have no idea how fucking intense and awesome sports are or how important sports viewing is to me. It’s a tradition. When you were cramming for the LSAT i was getting drunk for my 6th straght home opener…as an undergrad. When you were closing on that condo I was fighting with a dude who said some heinous shit about Terry Bradshaw. That’s how I roll and you probably think you’ll never understand.
One day, though, you will. You’re going to get it. One day it’s going to be made clear. I’m certain of it. I have faith. And if it were up to me here’s how it would go down:
I don’t know how it happens. Maybe magic. Maybe divine intervention. But I turn on the tube and it’s Lakers v. Celtics. Oh yeah! I didn’t even know this game was on and Kobe’s going off. He’s already fucked around and got triple double. They keep showing Doc Rivers over there. He doesn’t got a clue. Finally he calls a time out after Kobe, like, throws it off the back board to himself and kisses it home.
The camera pans the Boston bench and…holy shit, that’s fucking Lisa. Lisa, who hates sports. Lisa, who thinks court vision is a legal strategy and that boxing out is something you do to the recycling. Why would they sign her? Who Ok’d this move? Fucking fire that guy. Oh no, don’t put her in the game, Doc! No way, she doesn’t even know the rules.
The whistle blows and she just stands there three feet off the bench like an idiot. Rondo, of course, dribbles it off his leg and Doc starts yelling at her to “get back,” and “play some goddamn defense, Lisa!” She timidly but quickly moves away from the screaming coach, eventually ending up right under the basket. Her uniform is way too big and she looks like a dumbass. The Lakers are clearing it out for 24. He loses Allen like he’s not even trying and glides down the lane. He elevates and the crowd goes hush, anticipating. Lisa sees the full fury for the first time. Her jaw drops as the MVP rises higher, higher, higher. Soon she will understand. She will have no choice but to know. A flash bulb goes off. Then another. Then hundreds. Their light cascading down from the crowd. Finally, he descends.
Fucking THUNDEROUS, bitch. Kobe just totally dunked on you!
